The Good Wife Does Her Last Duty For Her Crappy Mother-In-Law

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I Gave Him My Heart, And He Gave Me A Gag Gift

Situation: As you will recall from the very end of the last episode, Alicia's just admitted to Jason that what she wants most in her life is him.

What makes it awkward? Since Jason has also just learned that Alicia and her husband are, fucking finally, getting divorced, he understandably seems not that cool with the pressure, and tells her she shouldn't get divorced because of him because he doesn't know what they are yet. But Alicia insists that she's learned (from Will's death, not that she says that, but duh, we all know) that you can't wait on this kind of thing for some perfect time that might never arrive: "Everything comes to an end! There's no better moment than now." Then fucking Grace starts knocking and yelling about the flowers and Jason says he's going to leave her to it, which is when she notices that he's holding a small ribbon-wrapped box.

What makes that awkward? Jason tries to keep her from taking it...

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...even though fucking Alicia is getting teary-eyed about it before she's even opened it, so Jason has to warn her, "It's nothing." She thinks he's being modest, but he insists, "It really is nothing -- it's a deed to some land on Mars. They're selling it online, so you own 500 acres in the valles marineris." Alicia:

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"It was meant to be a joke," Jason adds. "I'm sorry, here--" but when he tries to take the box back from her, she twists her hands away from him. Great joke. (Also, as Grace and Alicia discuss later, that seems like an excessively large amount of land to buy...as a joke? Like, five acres would have gotten the job done. Does Jason think they're actually going to move there? Is this the show's way of sneaking in a late-in-the-series reveal that he's schizophrenic?!)

How is order restored? Jason leaves Alicia to set up for her terrible party!

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The Realest Oppo Research

Alert Type: Secret Investigation Alert.

Issue: Peter's under investigation on corruption charges. Since the plea bargain offer we heard about last week seems like an overreach compared to the evidence he knows about, Eli wants Jason to investigate the case -- specifically: "I want you to prove Peter is guilty."

Complicating Factors: Peter has already made it pretty clear to Eli that he wants Jason fired from this assignment. And he's probably not going to soften his resolve on this particular point if Jason takes the assignment and gets him dead to rights on everything the AUSA is claiming he did.

Resolution: Jason accepts Eli's brief and starts digging. His first stop is at Matan Brody's office; Matan says "it was a slam-dunk" until Peter took over as State's Attorney and "started micromanaging." As Jason's on his way out, Matan asks, "Hey, promise me one thing: don't get the governor off."

Next, Jason talks to the lead detective on the case, a guy he knows named Crowell, who disagrees that Peter micromanaged the case: "Best State's Attorney we've had in twenty years and a hell of a governor." "And that has nothing to do with the fact that you worked private security for his campaign?" Jason asks. "Nooooo," says Crowell. "Best State's Attorney we've had in twenty years and a hell of a governor."

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Jason is fluent in Pointed Stare and nods, and as he turns to leave, Crowell adds, "And yes, it was odd he came to the crime scene, but I read nothing into that. It's probably just irrelevant that he wanted to double-check all the blood collection." Jason's like, GOT IT.

Then, it's on to the lab tech, Gretchen Luft, who says she personally processed all the evidence and did it correctly: "He just told me not to use it, that's all." According to her, the blood evidence of the scene would have put the defendant away for thirty years, but Peter vetoed its use in the case. Jason asks why he would have done that, and Gretchen replies, "Ask him. But first, check the evidence log. Something's missing."

Jason then returns to Alicia's apartment and pulls Eli out of the party to tell him all of the above -- and to corroborate the lab tech, saying that the bullets that were used to kill the victim went missing from the crime lab and that Peter was the last one to sign in. Eli tells Jason he'll speak to Peter about it, and orders Jason to stay on it.

Spoiler: And Eli stands by that direction to his employee for a good...hour? Two, maybe?

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Look Out, Horvath, There's A New Most Obnoxious Hannah On TV!

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In her room (and after some more obligatory unfunny flower "comedy"), Peter tells Alicia he's spoken to someone about their imminent parting and thinks they should go with a one-lawyer divorce, "since it's amicable." Alicia thinks that's smart. "Good," says Peter. "Because I don't want to fight with you." "I don't either," says Alicia. (Normally, I would assume this is the setup for their WORST FIGHT EVER, but we've only got two more episodes with them, and since a lot of that's going to be taken up with Peter trying to stay out of prison, I doubt they'll have time?

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Peter and Alicia move on to talking about this shithead Hannah that Zach brought home from college, who's notably older than Zach. "Should we be worried?" wonders Alicia, but Peter shrugs that college romances don't last long. "We were a college romance," Alicia reminds him. "And look at us," Peter shoots back. Alicia can't help cackling at that one, and Julianna Margulies is actually winning when she's being self-deprecating; it's a shame so much of this show made her take herself so fucking seriously all the time.

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But enough about Zach's new romance: back to his parents' nearly dead one! "So," says Alicia. "We're divorcing, then?" "We are," Peter replies. "Do you feel sad?" she asks, which seems like kind of a dick question coming from the person who initiated it??? "I do," Peter tells her. Alicia is mid-platitude when Grace knocks urgently at the door and tells them they should come out...

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...because Howard is toasting to Zach and Hannah's engagement! UUUUUUUGH.

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Parents vs. Love

After Peter and Alicia have hustled Zach out of the party, we learn more details about this pinko love match: Zach's planning to drop out of school and move to France with Hannah; she's about to start a good job there as a translator. And what, Peter would like to know, does Zach think he's going to do with his time while Hannah is working? "I've been thinking about writing," Zach clichés. Alicia:

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Peter is horrified: "Zach, come on. Look at your mom. This is insane! I mean, who's going to pay for this?" "Hannah," says Zach. "She has a good job." "You're going to let her pay for you," says Peter, incredulously raising his voice. "We're not as held up on the gender thing," Zach colleges. Which is when it's confirmed that Alicia hasn't hidden her face in dismay: she's actually cracking up. "Zach," she tells him. "Face it. This is the stupidest thing I've heard you say in a while." Stupid Zach does not think his great love affair for the ages is funny AT ALL: "You're going to move to France with Hannah so you can be a househusband, and write what? What are you going to write, Zach?" Alicia asks. "A memoir," Zach informs her. "I'm in a memoir class." You're in a bullshit class. Truly, if that class must be taught at any level, it should not be to freshmen, who have not done anything in life worth memoir-ializing.

When this sets Alicia off laughing again, Zach decides he's done defending his beating heart and declares, "I love her, all right? And we're getting married and moving to France," before stomping out of the room. "I guess we shouldn't laugh at him," comments Peter. Alicia tells Peter he's going to need to handle this one: "I've been drinking." She then muses, "You're a good dad, you know?" "Are you being funny?" asks Peter suspiciously. She's not -- and, actually, she'll talk to Zach after all. Peter asks what she'll say. "Je ne sais pas," giggles Alicia.

Winner: Draw, for now. But if it were a dignity fight: not Zach. Barf.

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Open Mouth, Insert Wine, Then Foot

Who's causing a family crisis? Veronica.

How? Holed up with Owen and Grace watching Darkness At Noon -- because, in Chicago, there are only five lawyers, one investigator, and one gritty premium-cable drama on TV -- and when Jackie comes in with false friendliness ("Drinking, I see?"), she decides to give Jackie the subtext-free version of what she thinks Jackie wants: "Yes, it's the one way I have of dealing with the jealousy over you having a husband while I have none....That's me! Lonely. And worrying about Peter and Alicia getting a divorce. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know? Your son and my daughter are getting a divorce."

Which relatives have a problem with it? Grace, since this is also the first SHE has heard that her parents are getting divorced, and while Veronica tries frantically to backpedal, Grace is out of the room looking for Zach.

Who's an unlikely ally? Zach. Alicia's children rudely interrupt Diane's triumphant reveal of the new all-female-name-partner letterhead...

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...and get Alicia out into the hall to confront her about Veronica's drunk talk and whether it's true. Hannah also ends up out in the hall for this, and when Alicia asks her to leave, Zach gets all snitty about this concerning her too since she's also going to be a member of the family, and to her credit, Hannah overrules him on this and excuses herself. Grace then asks whether it's because of Alicia's relationship with Jason (Grace has figured out they're boning, since she's not a complete moron). Alicia tries to deflect that one by saying it's none of their business, but the damage is done: now Zach has another cudgel to use against Alicia and Peter's opposition to his engagement: "I'm getting married and you're getting divorced. And I'm the one who's making a mistake?"

Spoiler: Ultimately, not even the show cares about Zach's stupid marriage.

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The Strangest Bedfellow

Poor Diane must be so bored at this dumb party that a call even from Louis Canning is a relief. And what's it about? Well, Matan went from his conversation with Jason to drinks with Cary, to warn him about the possibility (or probability) of their becoming Peter's scapegoats. So Cary went from there to Louis's office to hire him. And now Louis is calling Diane -- Eli's attorney -- to start firming up a joint strategy: "The more Peter's old allies appear in lockstep against him, the more it keeps the spotlight on him." Is selling out Peter going to fuck up Alicia's name value as a name partner, though? (It doesn't come up, but I assume it will...in the next 84 minutes of show time.)

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"Don't Try To Put A Toe Ring On My Itchy Feet" - Jason, Basically

After reporting the evening's findings to Eli, Jason pulls Alicia away from the increasingly terrible party and out to the sidewalk to try to fix what he already fucked up: "I didn't handle that well earlier....If you have two awkward moments in a row, it can be trouble clawing it back." Alicia warily asks what they're trying to claw back, so Jason explains: he didn't know they were about to have a serious conversation when he was...picturesquely posing in her dark living room; the Mars deed was just supposed to be fun: "I like space, I like stuff about space." Alicia: get out now. Space is dumb.

Alicia, trying to put on a cool act even though her dorky declaration only happened a few hours ago, says she gets it and she's fine but she has to get back, but Jason stops her and tries to explain: "I don't like spending more than a year in any one place. I like to be able to drop everything at a moment's notice and just go." Alicia tells him he should go, then -- she's not stopping him. Jason's like, but you are. Alicia's like, no dude, I'm not, and Jason finally has to command her attention and tell her, "Yes. YOU ARE." When she asks him to clarify what he's saying, he steps up: "I want you too." "You do?" says Alicia quietly. He does, but what he's trying to explain is that he can't be stuck. "And I would make you feel stuck," she guesses. "No, no, you just have this whole life here -- you have beautiful kids [eh], a beautiful place. A business....I'm bringing up a problem, I'm not saying there's a solution." Alicia recaps (leave it to the professionals) what she thinks she just heard him say: "You want to go somewhere else, and you want me to go with you, but not now, but at some point, when you get itchy about staying in one place?" Jason:

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Alicia smiles, since at least Jason gets the absurdity of what he's just announced to her, but she's still warm (for his form) and says she has to get back but that she'll think about it. Heavens, yes, what will her guests think about her fortieth unexplained departure from this shitty party?!

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Is The Governor Guilty?

Who called the meeting? Eli.

What's it about? Since Mike's just called to say that Tom is sick and he's going to have to drop out as Peter's trial lawyer, Eli's apparently decided that he should quit being cute and ask Peter what the fuck actually went on with this case and all the stuff Jason's just told him.

How'd it go? Actually pretty illuminating, once Peter gets back the (somewhat reasonable) irritation that Eli hired Jason to do more work on the case after Peter expressly asked Eli to fire him. He goes on to defend his attention with regard to the forensics, and specifically the blood evidence Gretchen had collected. This case was "going to be [his] OJ," Peter says, which is why he went to the scene personally, and how he was there to see Gretchen walk through some blood spatter: "So I vetoed it, because allowing it would have lost us the case." And when he looked into Gretchen, he discovered "a whole string of similar screw-ups going back two years." What about the bullets, then? Peter says after he found out about Gretchen's checkered past, he hired someone to examine them: "Kurt McVeigh." Admittedly, Eli is pretty much in the tank for Peter, but he seems to find all this convincing! I mean, would Kurt be involved in anything sketchy?!

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That'll Do, Newbie

Alicia the amazing hostess is hiding out in her bedroom again when Hannah just lets herself in without knocking and starts telling Alicia she had told Zach he should warn his family about their engagement rather than just springing it on them: "You hate me, don't you." WELL, IF SHE DIDN'T, SHE DOES NOW THAT YOU OPENED A CONVERSATION THAT WAY. That simpering shit: "Don't hate me, but [hateful thing]." Be an adult and let people hate you if they're going to! Sometimes you deserve it -- we all do! Anyway, of course Alicia denies hating Hannah because what the fuck is she supposed to say, and Hannah assures her, "We are in love," as if that's the issue. Alicia says she knows, but that she and Peter are just concerned that things might be moving too fast; Hannah and Zach have only known each other a year. Hannah asks how long Alicia and Peter knew each other before they got married, and when Alicia says it was three years, Hannah aims for wisdom with this pronouncement: "And now you're divorcing." OKAY, WE JUST MET, IS THIS THE TIME and IS THAT YOUR PLACE?

Alicia says that's exactly why she and Peter are concerned: they don't want Zach going through what she and Peter are now, but that just launches Hannah into a bunch of happy horseshit about her philosophy of marriage. See, her parents got divorced too, but they kept a great relationship with each other; it's just that now they see other people too: "Marriage should work for us, not us for marriage. If Zach doesn't like France, he can leave me, come back home, go to school. If he meets someone else he loves more, then why should I trap him? Marriage should be fun, it shouldn't be this weight, this death knell." "Well, if it isn't permanent, then why get married at all?" Alicia asks, amused. Hannah: "Taxes!"

Bitch, you are TWENTY-THREE. Until you and Zach have had your first fight about something more serious than whether Foucault is overrated, you can HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING SEAT.

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Eli goes straight from his chat with Peter to Jason's car, where he declares, "Peter can explain everything." "I'm sure he can," drawls Jason. Eli tells him about the connection between Gretchen the sloppy lab tech and the vetoed blood evidence, and when Jason then asks about the missing bullets, Eli wonders if Jason's feelings for Alicia might be getting in the way. "If you think so, feel free to fire me," says Jason evenly. This isn't a bluff, since Jason DID NOT WANT THIS JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE, but Eli calls it anyway and tells Jason to send him his bill!

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But just as an independent observer, Jason returns to the lab, sits down opposite Gretchen, and observes, "You must have one hell of a union." She gets defensive, because she has a lot to try to defend: Jason has a file and starts running down a bunch of her past fuckups that cost Peter cases: "And yet you still have a job." He tells her straight up that if she repeats the story she told him on a witness stand, she'll be committing perjury, and that she should tell that to the AUSA next time she talks to him.

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Alicia's hiding (again, still) when she gets a call from Louis -- who, after some pleasantries, asks her if Peter's going to be loyal to his former deputy. Alicia doesn't say anything either way, of course, but says she'll relay the message. Louis then asks whether Peter's going to keep HER out of it. See, she had interactions with this Lloyd Garber, the donor in question, and since she waived spousal privilege with the grand jury, and if Peter's relationship with Lloyd Garber comes up at trial, it could be turned around on her. Alicia hangs up...

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...but it's clear he touched a nerve!

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Alicia says goodbye to guests of varying levels of drunkenness! Marissa wants Alicia to tell her why she should go to law school, and Alicia tells her it's because she's smart! She wistfully tells Kurt and Diane that maybe someday they can teach her how to be happy! Veronica's happy Alicia's leaving Peter and "going with the hunk," and since Veronica's by far the drunkest person at this affair, Owen will definitely get her home safely since she can't be trusted not to marry her Uber driver!

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Jackie warmly thanks Alicia for the party. Alicia says she's glad Jackie is happy. "I won't be seeing you again," says Jackie. Alicia asks why, and Jackie responds, as if Alicia is an idiot, "You're divorcing my son! And I just wanted you to know: we're more alike than not." As parting shots go, that one's pretty good, but like...Jackie's not going to attend any other future family event if Alicia might also be there? Weddings? ...Arraignments? This isn't going to come up in the next two episodes, WHY DO I CARE?

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"We're leaving," says Zach. "I know," says Alicia. Holy god, I care so much less about these two turds than I do about Jackie and Alicia polite-fighting which I frankly could watch for an hour.

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The last guests gone, Alicia closes the door and returns to her bedroom, where Peter's on the phone talking plea bargains. When he hangs up, he seems very slightly disappointed to have missed Zach's departure, and when he sighs that he'll talk to Zach about this whole France business, Alicia tells him not to: "It's his mistake. Let him make it." Peter accepts that -- because he doesn't care; no one does -- and promises her he'll be out of her hair in a minute, but she tells him he doesn't have to hurry just to let her get to her kitchen full of dirty dishes. Peter sits next to Alicia on the bed, and as they tip their glasses toward each other, he asks what they're toasting to. "Our divorce," she says, without rancor. ...Clink!

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And as some dude on this dumb pretend show dies...

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...Peter and Alicia contemplate their future, together and separately, as they have been since...well, since we've known them, pretty much.